im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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