he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
