i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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