its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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