stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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