Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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