i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
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is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
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I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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