Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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