I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Randomize
