Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
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I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Just pee around me
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
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She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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