I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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