If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
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he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
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Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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