Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize