i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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