I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
