If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Randomize
