i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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