I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
