3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
