I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Alive.
So much puke
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
