I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
