I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
