What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You are a genius and a whore.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
