If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
