my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
false alarm, still single
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
