I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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