so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
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