Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
