You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
