if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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