It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
