I cannot find my penis.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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