I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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