Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
