So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
