Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Panties = found
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
