how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
