god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
