Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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