So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
