i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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