You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I wish you could order shots online.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
