the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
He has the fingertips of a God
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
