I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
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