New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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