Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
