i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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