Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
