The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
