I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
