My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
