Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
