booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
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