he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
