and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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