I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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