Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
